When Your Core Values Pull You in Different Directions

One of the most unsettling moments in personal growth is realizing that clarity doesn’t always bring ease.

You finally do the work.
You reflect.
You identify your core values.

And then life presents you with a decision where both options are supported by values you hold dear.

And then you pause.

Because now what?

I’ve written before about discovering your core values as part of the SONG Framework—the process of tuning into what truly matters to you so you can live with intention rather than on autopilot. That work is powerful. Liberating, even.

And then I encountered a situation that stopped me in my tracks.

I was faced with a tough decision.
Both options felt “right.”
Both were aligned with values I deeply respect.
And suddenly I realized—I didn’t have a clear tool for this moment.

How do you decide when your values themselves are in conflict?

Not values vs distractions.
Not values vs fear.
But values vs values.

That question sent me into deep reflection. And while I won’t pretend I have a perfect, universal answer, I want to explore what has genuinely helped me navigate these moments—because this is where real transformation happens.

The Classic Conflict: Family vs Career Ambition

If there is one values conflict that shows up again and again in coaching conversations, it’s this one.

Family.
Career ambition.

Both matter. Deeply.

On one hand, there’s the desire to be present. To show up. To build memories. To nurture relationships that ground us.

And then there’s the pull to create something meaningful in the world. To stretch your potential. To build, lead, innovate, and leave a mark.

And then comes the tension.

Time is finite.
Energy is limited.
Attention cannot be everywhere at once.

We’ve all heard the cautionary tales—stories of people who climbed the ladder only to end up lonely, regretful, disconnected from the very people they were working “for.”

And yet… I find myself wondering.

Would that person truly have been happier had they abandoned the work that lit them up inside?

If you took a billionaire—someone who built something impactful through relentless focus—and placed them back at the starting line, missing yet another family dinner to work late into the night on an idea that set their soul on fire… would they really choose differently?

Maybe some would.

Maybe some wouldn’t.

And that’s precisely why this is not a moral question. It’s a values alignment question.

And those are rarely simple.

The Hidden Cost of Choosing Between What Matters

When you’re choosing between comfort and growth, the answer is usually clear.

When you’re choosing between fear and courage, the path is obvious.

But when you’re choosing between two meaningful things, something else happens.

You grieve—no matter what you choose.

Because every “yes” contains a “no.”
And every “no” represents a future that won’t be lived—at least not in the same way.

So instead of pretending there’s a perfect formula, let me walk you through the five anchors that have helped me make peace with hard choices when my core values pull me in different directions.

1. Re-Assess Your Values (Yes, Again)

Values are not static.
They evolve as you evolve.

What mattered deeply to you five years ago may still matter—but not in the same way or with the same intensity.

So the first question is not, “Which value is right?”
It’s, “Which value is most alive for me right now?”

This isn’t about abandoning values.
It’s about checking relevance.

Ask yourself:

• Which value feels non-negotiable in this season?
• Which one feels important, but flexible?
• Which one might be asking for expression in a different form?

Sometimes the conflict isn’t between values—it’s between outdated interpretations of them.

And then, clarity begins to soften the tension.

2. Weigh the Consequences (Without Sugar-Coating Them)

This is where honesty matters.

Not positive thinking.
Not motivational quotes.
Just truth.

Ask yourself:

• If I don’t choose option A, what is the real consequence?
• If I don’t choose option B, what will that cost me?
• Which consequence can I live with—and still respect myself?

Notice the question isn’t “Which choice avoids pain?”
Because neither will.

The real question is:
Which consequence would be harder for me to live with if I chose not to act?

3. Choose for the Season You’re In

This one changed everything for me.

Instead of asking, “What should I choose forever?”
Ask, “What matters most in this season of my life?”

A season might be one year.
Or three.
Or five.

This reframing releases enormous pressure.

You’re not deciding for the rest of your life.
You’re deciding for now.

And then, something interesting happens—you allow yourself to compromise without self-betrayal.

Not because something doesn’t matter.
But because timing matters too.

4. Look for Integration Before You Choose Sacrifice

Before you assume it has to be either/or, pause.

And then ask a more creative question:

Can these values coexist—at least partially?

Sometimes they already overlap in ways you haven’t noticed yet.

And sometimes you can design overlap.

For example:

• Could you create a home workspace that allows you to have dinner with your family—and then return to work during your late-night creative hours?
• Could success look different from the model you’ve inherited?
• Could leadership involve boundaries, not burnout?

Integration doesn’t always eliminate tension—but it often reduces unnecessary loss.

And then, you realize you’re not as trapped as you thought.

5. Choose, Compromise, and Mourn With Intention

And sometimes—despite all the reflection—a real sacrifice is required.

This is the part we don’t talk about enough.

Choosing one path may mean placing another on hold.
Or letting it go entirely.

And yes—this involves mourning.

Mourning the version of life you won’t live right now.
Mourning the “what ifs.”
Mourning the identity you’re not fully expressing.

But here’s what matters: Compromise does not mean failure.

Sometimes the compromise is:

• Not now.
  And sometimes it is:
• Not ever.

Both are valid.

What matters is that the choice is conscious, intentional, and self-honouring.

And then—this part is important—celebrate yourself.

Because making a hard decision aligned with your values is leadership.
Even when no one applauds.
Especially then.

Final Thoughts: Values Don’t Eliminate Tension—They Help You Carry It Well

Living a values-led life doesn’t guarantee ease.

It guarantees meaning.

When your core values pull you in different directions, the goal is not to eliminate the tension—but to navigate it with clarity, compassion, and courage.

You reassess what matters.
You face consequences honestly.
You choose for the season you’re in.
You integrate where possible.
And when needed, you sacrifice with intention.

That is what mature self-leadership looks like.

So if you’re standing at a crossroads right now, unsure which way to turn, know this:

You are not broken.
You are not failing.
You are growing.

And growth often asks us to choose—not between good and bad—but between good and meaningful.

Your next step?
Take one decision you’ve been avoiding and walk it through these five anchors—slowly, honestly, and without rushing yourself.

Clarity may not come all at once.

But it will come.

And when it does, you’ll know—not because the choice is easy, but because it feels true.