Get a Master’s Degree in Studying Yourself
Picture this.
You’re in the middle of an argument with someone you love. The tension is thick. Voices are raised. And then it lands.
“You always do this.”
They’re emotional. Maybe even in tears. And you’re standing there, genuinely confused, thinking, Always? This just happened. This is an isolated incident. What are they even talking about?
And yet, somehow, this conversation feels… familiar.
Not because you remember it clearly, but because your body does. Because a part of you knows you’ve been here before. Same tone. Same frustration. Same ending. Different day.
And that’s where patterns quietly reveal themselves.
This week, let’s decode that moment. Because whether you realize it or not, you are living inside patterns—of thought, behaviour, emotional response, and habit. And most of them are not operating at a conscious level. They’re wired in. Running silently in the background. Influencing your choices, your reactions, your productivity, your leadership, and your relationships.
The good news? Once you learn how to spot them, you can interrupt them. And then something powerful happens. You move from reacting to leading your own life.
Patterns Live in the Subconscious (Which Is Why You Miss Them)
Here’s the tricky thing about patterns: the very reason they exist is the reason you don’t notice them.
Patterns live in the subconscious part of your brain. They are efficient. Automatic. Energy-saving. Your mind loves them because they reduce decision-making. And so, they quietly take over.
You don’t wake up thinking, Today I will self-sabotage my goals.
You don’t plan to repeat the same argument.
You don’t intentionally choose habits that keep you stuck.
You simply default.
And unless someone points out a repeated behaviour—often in frustration—it doesn’t register as a pattern. It registers as bad luck, a difficult person, circumstances, or one-off situations that somehow keep repeating themselves.
And then comes the opportunity.
Ask Yourself One Powerful Question: Has This Happened Before?
This is one of the simplest, yet most underused, self-coaching questions:
Has this happened before?
Not in the exact same way. Not with the same people. But in essence.
Look at the challenges you’re facing right now. The ones draining your energy. The ones slowing your progress. The ones making you question yourself.
And then rewind.
Have you experienced something similar in the past?
A similar conflict?
A familiar emotional reaction?
The same type of delay, resistance, or breakdown?
Patterns don’t repeat perfectly. They repeat thematically.
And then comes the uncomfortable part. The part most people avoid. Reviewing your own history.
Review Your History (Without Judgement)
If you journal, this step is gold.
Because your journal doesn’t lie. It quietly records what your brain later edits out through selective amnesia. The emotions you felt. The conclusions you jumped to. The decisions you made in the heat of the moment.
And then you begin to notice it.
The same frustrations appearing in different seasons.
The same goals being set, abandoned, and reset.
The same emotional triggers resurfacing under pressure.
If you don’t journal yet, this is your invitation.
You don’t need poetic entries or daily essays. What you need is a log.
My recommendation going forward is simple and practical:
Keep a record of challenges you face—weekly, monthly, or even annually. Whatever feels manageable. And alongside each situation, note:
- What happened
- How you reacted
- What you were feeling
- What triggered that reaction
- How you addressed it (or avoided it)
Over time, patterns start to introduce themselves. Quietly at first. And then unmistakably.
When a Bad Outcome Starts to Feel “Normal”
This one deserves your full attention.
Whenever you catch yourself saying, “I’m used to that,” pause.
Because “used to” doesn’t always mean healed. Sometimes it means resigned.
Maybe it’s betrayal from a friend.
Maybe it’s being overlooked at work.
Maybe it’s relationships that start strong and end painfully.
Maybe it’s burnout that keeps knocking, no matter how many breaks you take.
When something not-so-good starts feeling familiar, that’s a red flag. Not for self-blame—but for curiosity.
This is where you ask yourself harder, braver questions:
Why do I keep attracting this type of situation?
How am I showing up that might be contributing to this dynamic?
What environments am I repeatedly choosing?
What values am I compromising?
Where are my boundaries unclear—or missing altogether?
This isn’t about fault. It’s about responsibility. And responsibility, when embraced, is empowering.
Because if a pattern is running through you, it can also be changed by you.
Ask for Feedback (Yes, Even When It’s Uncomfortable)
This is one of the fastest ways to identify blind spots—and one of the most avoided.
Feedback.
At the workplace, this has worked incredibly well for me. Asking a line manager or a trusted peer simple, direct questions like:
What do I do well?
Where do you see me getting in my own way?
What’s one thing I could improve to be more effective?
And then—and this is crucial—you listen.
You don’t defend.
You don’t explain.
You don’t justify.
Because the moment you get defensive, the feedback stream dries up permanently.
Feedback is a skill. And like any skill, it improves with practice.
The same approach applies beyond work. You can ask your partner, a close friend, even your children (yes, children are brutally honest in the best way).
Approach feedback with curiosity, not self-criticism.
“Interesting, I hadn’t noticed that about myself. Tell me more about what you’ve observed.”
“I can see how that might come across. What would you suggest I try instead?”
This mindset turns feedback from a threat into a growth accelerator.
Track Your High Emotional Reactions
Patterns leave emotional fingerprints.
Whenever you experience a strong reaction—intense anger, shutting down, overworking, binge drinking, procrastination, emotional eating—pay attention.
Not to judge yourself. To observe yourself.
When this happens, I react this way.
When I feel this, I default to that.
Start tracking:
- What happened right before the reaction
- What you told yourself in that moment
- What emotion was underneath the behaviour
Strong reactions are rarely about the present moment alone. They’re often echoes of unresolved patterns.
And the more aware you become, the more choice you regain.
Final Thoughts: Awareness Is the First Leadership Skill
Identifying patterns isn’t about becoming self-obsessed. It’s about becoming self-led.
Because you cannot change what you cannot see.
You cannot lead others effectively if you’re being led by unconscious habits.
You cannot reach meaningful goals if the same invisible loops keep pulling you back.
Studying yourself is not indulgent. It’s strategic.
Think of it like earning a master’s degree in you. One observation at a time. One insight at a time. One interrupted pattern at a time.
And if you’re willing to do this work—honestly, patiently, and with compassion—you’ll notice something remarkable.
Your reactions soften.
Your decisions sharpen.
Your productivity improves.
Your leadership deepens.
And life stops feeling like it’s happening to you—and starts responding to who you’re becoming.
Your call to action:
This week, choose one recurring situation in your life and ask: What pattern might be at play here? Write it down. Get curious. And take one small step to respond differently.
That’s how transformation begins.
Lilian Ngima 
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